Three pets can replace a husband for a divorcee:
A dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and cat which comes home late at night.
Money isn't everything
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the end," says the wife. " I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
The wife answers, "Ours is prettier."
I Won the Lottery!
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I WON THE LOTTERY!!!"
The husband says, “Oh my God! No kidding? What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
"All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble." —Raymond Hull